The ‘magic’ of photoshop and airbrushing
so for some reason i can’t sleep….even though i got like no sleep last night…at 4am the stupid fire alarm thingy started beeping to tell me it was out of batteries…..seriously so annoying so i had to go on the couch. but i mostly can’t sleep because i just feel so fabulous right now. the past year has been sort of life changing….it was definitely a struggle. it was probably my most difficult year…pretty much comparable to 2009(thats for another time)…ok here goes my long rant about how terrible my year was. i had to move 4 different times. the first house was terrible. i was so happy to move out of my parents house that i was willing to sacrifice my privacy so i lived in a loft. i didn’t have walls and i lived with just a curtain as a door and walls. not to mention…this house was a party house. so i would get no sleep when i needed it, and even at times i would have drunk ass guys stay in my bed while i was out of town without asking and make it smell bad like BO, beer, cigarettes, and weed. sometimes while i was sleeping i would wake up to find a drunk guy trying to get in my bed with me….im like “WTF NO”. while living there i felt like i couldn’t be myself. i felt so criticized by everyone….im a very goofy outgoing person. im also very girly and pretty much everyone there was guys. not to mention…they were also sexist. if a girl was fun and outgoing she was either a slut or annoying. they just wanted the girls to be silent and sit there and giggle at their jokes and not drink or do anything. it was bullshit. i remember just feeling like an outcast. it was so dumb as well because so many people would crash there and just be practically living there…but didn’t pay any bills. there would be like 15 people a week crashing there and staying for the whole time. it was out of control. finally i just had to move out of there.
i had to live with my bff for a month just so i could find a better place to live. i found a place and i thought it was going to be great! i didn’t have a bed…i slept on an ottoman. it was good for about one week and then one night i went into the kitchen and noticed that there was like tons of baby roaches. like everywhere. it was so disgusting. the people didn’t have enough money to exterminate….and i can go on and on about how terribly disgusting this house was. they just didn’t upkeep it. luckily the roaches weren’t anywhere in my room. i also didn’t have internet the entire time i lived there….also none of the outlets in my room worked properly and they didn’t have a washer and dryer. being at that house was probably the hardest time of my year. it started with my boyfriend leaving for blue devils tour and just feeling super alone and depressed. it was my ageout and i wasn’t marching. to keep me from feeling completely useless i got a gym membership and worked out almost every day. i was trying anything to keep me from feeling down and depressed. nothing was helping. then fall came around. i was doing one more season of rcc fall so i could get my chops back for pulse auditions. but things didn’t work out with pulse as i had hoped and i ended up not marching my ageout winter. it was such a devastation since i marched the year before and i was looking forward to the new season. i have and still continue to have anger towards 3 individuals that caused so much drama with that organization. i don’t like to be an angry person but its hard when something you care about so much gets destroyed. after that i felt worthless. i thought to myself “what am i going to do” i felt so lost and confused. it was such a terrible feeling. i felt like i wasn’t a good person and wasn’t good enough or nice. i felt like my personality caused everything. it still is sensitive to talk about but i feel like writing this is just helping me get these feelings out of my system. i don’t think anyone will read this huge paragraph thats why i am kind of spilling my guts haha. plus i don’t even know if this will all make sense or coincide….but it just feels good to get this out in the open. the fall was just a struggle to get through. i knew i had to pull myself together though. i was section leader and if i quit or just said “fuck it” i would have let a lot of people down. i also knew it would be my last season drumming ever so i needed to put my all into it. i don’t regret doing the fall because i feel like i learned a lot about splitting notes and also about being a leader. i wasn’t the best leader….but considering the circumstances i think i did the best of my ability. i think it also helped that i had a really great group of friends who supported me through the whole struggle.
finally after about 6 months of living at the cockroach house and dealing with all the drumline drama, i moved in with my other friend for a month. living there was really comfortable and thats when i felt like things were going to turn around.
i moved back home around christmas time and i just had a good feeling about moving home. i just feel like things are right. ive only been home for about 3 weeks now. i really can’t describe the feelings im having but they are good. i realized all that crap that has happened in the last year has really made me a stronger person. living in ghetto places made me realize how lucky i am to be in a nice warm home. i feel blessed to not need to live on food stamps and have roaches in my kitchen. i have a fridge full of food and internet in my house. i also have realized that while i was in riverside, i didn’t feel like myself. i felt like i couldn’t be myself on account of being judged by the drumline society. everyone is worried about their rep in the drumline community and i feel like so many people are fake. i feel like i had to tone down my personality a lot which made me feel self conscious whenever i would talk to new people or be around certain people…i feel like this self consciousness translated to my outside life. i felt like i was weird and didn’t like talking to people. now that i am aged out and everything, it really doesn’t matter what all these people think about me because my reputation doesn’t matter really at all. i can be who i want and if people are going to judge…they can judge all day long.i actually deleted all of the people who really made me mad off of my facebook. that sounds super immature….but i really never delete people off of my facebook. i never have to be honest. i think that was a very liberating feeling. going to church lately has also made me feel more confident in myself. i know that its ok to be who i am because i know i am a good person. i have always been a good person. i feel like i can let who i am inside come out all the way. i feel like im coming out of the closet…except for that im not gay hahahaha. i just feel like i can be my fabulous self and who cares if i am. i know my close friends and family love me for who i am and thats all that matters. i know my boyfriend loves me for who i am as well. take me baby or leave me. i feel like a new woman.
wow….i feel so much better :) i think thats why i couldn’t sleep. i just needed to get that out there. i think i can sleep now…..if someone actually reads through this entire thing i will be impressed. goodnight all :)
so its already been a week into the new year….i feel like this new year is a new chapter of my life. ok ya….that sounds cheesey….but thats how i feel :p i was very involved with drumline, and January, 2 2012 was the last time i would be drumming with a drumline in the Rose Parade….it was basically my ageout :/ it wasn’t as climactic as i had hoped and dreamed of….but how many people can say their last time drumming was televised world wide? and it was cool because you could actually see me this time :D
im very mixed about not drumming anymore….im just really going to miss performing, but on the other hand, im not going to miss all the rehearsals….and im definitely not going to miss being extremely broke XP
i am also glad i never have to march that stupid parade ever again….im sorry but that parade is way too long and annoying. trust me people….its cool to do it once, but twice?….i wanted to die….i did the parade with RCC in 2009 and that was pretty fun….i actually think this time wasn’t as bad…but ya it still sucked.
now that im not performing, ill be teaching at a high school in san bernardino. im super excited to be working there. its my first legit teaching job. ive taught at other schools, but it was either free or i got ripped off. the director is awesome and the kids all want to be there. they all are going for it! they will be competing as Cajon High School Drumline in SCPA and ADLA. its their first year as an ensemble and its already off to a great start! keep a lookout for them in the future :)
i definitely procrastinated with my homework….luckily i don’t have a final….but i still need to go to walmart to pick up a box and then i need to type up some lesson plans. at least when these classes are over i can at least get a job at a daycare a lot easier than before :)…..that is if i even want to work at a daycare :p
and look at me….im friggen writing a blog instead of homework haha